Today, this week, this year has been more than anything, hard. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I can't see the beauty in the everyday, maybe I am incapable of finding joy in the small things, maybe I'm so selfish that I lose out on all the fun. Or maybe life really is just plain hard.
Babies make me smile. I can't wait to hold a little one in my arms and know that he's ours, that I'll be the one he cries to and laughs with. But...sometimes on my way to work I pass a the middle school kids walking home from school. Some of them are so awkward and my heart hurts for them. I know that life within the walls of their school probably isn't fun. And then Jessie (who's only 7) comes home from school crying because some boy said something mean. And life is hard in elementary too....I remember high school, it was fun, but not a bed a roses. College was no picnic. We all couldn't wait to get out of school, to be free. It's not true. No school does not equal freedom. No school equals ten hour days at the job you were supposed to love. I really think it's all downhill after you turn 6.
People get sick, they die, or they keep on living...and make it all harder. We make friends, we love them, and then someone leaves. Life is always changing, and change hurts.
All this makes me wonder if it's worth it....is bringing another life into this hard world worth having a little someone to hold?
Maybe it's me...maybe I'm sick too...maybe I screwed up somewhere, and that's why it's hard.
Or maybe, life is just plain hard.
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Rachel, I noticed that you were following my blog, but wasn't sure which "Rachel" you were. Well, cousin, now I know, and I hurt for you more than I can say. I'm so sorry. I will be praying for you; and I'm hoping that you continue to write. There's something truly healing about it. It also lets the rest of us know how to continue to pray for you.
ReplyDeleteThis resonated with me. I can relate to those feelings. It would have been nice if he had promised a path without pain, disappointment, worry, or suffering. But I'm faced with the stinky reality that life is hard. And so I hang on desperately to HOPE, that through the "yuck", Christ is there to give me life "more abundant" (John 10:10b). I have to admit, too, that part of my is selfish. I wanted to have kids, so we would have a family to share laughter, joy, and life with. It has totally been worth the "risk".
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